Having it ALL

I have been having a lot of thoughts from all different directions lately, and am trying to make sense of them by writing it all down.  Every woman/mom is different, and has to find her own path, purpose and priority needed in her life to feel sane and fulfilled.  This post is simply about me, what is best for my life and what I can handle.

 I made choices that have resulted in me being right where I am in this phase of my life, and I would make them all again if I had to.  I chose to get married and move to Chicago to support Devin in this 7 year pursuit of becoming a Podiatrist.  I knew that his schooling and career would take the spotlight and be the focus around which our finances would revolve.

I chose to have 2 babies during his 4 year doctoral school phase.

I chose to forgo my own personal dreams and career path to stay at home with our girls, and through that choice, I am fulfilling another dream, unrelated to careers and the outside world; creating the kind of family I want.

For me, because I chose to have babies, I truly believe that my best efforts should be inside my home, as I try my hardest to nurture, teach and love Emily and Claire, and our children yet to come.  My choice to have them in our family has opened my life to an entirely new level of love and joy.  But, my pursuit in fulfilling the answer I was asked as a child, "What is your dream?  What do you want to be when you grow up?" has been buried, and I'm not sure if it will ever surface again?  Will I ever have the time, or will it be at the expense of my marriage and children?

So...my question is...Can a woman really do it all?
Can she be a devoted, supportive wife who focuses on really connecting with her husband on a daily basis?  Can she be an involved, hands-on mother who invests in building her children's self esteems and offer daily learning experiences?  Can she be career driven by setting aside time to further educate herself in order to have her dream job?  Can she be wife, mother and career woman all while taking care of mind, body and soul for herself and her family through daily spiritual enlightenment, healthy home-cooked meals and exercise?  Can she fit in keeping the house clean and in order, the laundry folded and in drawers, the dishes washed and in cupboards?  Can she do all of these things and be happy without being stretched too thin or overwhelmed all the time?    

All of those questions has further led me to these next set of questions:
Am I fulfilled doing what I do all day, or do I need to implement something new?
I know I want more children, but when is the right time?

I know taking care of myself is important in order for me to take care of my family, but when does focusing on myself and what I want to do turn into selfishness and shirking my most important role and responsibility...being a wife and mother? 

I am trying to figure it out and make sense of what all of these questions mean for me, my life and the life of my family.  When I close my eyes and bring my mind to what I know matters most I am reminded of God and family.  I am reminded of service to others, and service to self in order to serve others.  Service to self, I believe, includes taking care of my personal spiritual life through prayer and scripture reading, taking my body for a run and stealing moments for myself during nap time...even if that means escaping with a good TV show or catching up on the phone. I am reminded that there are seasons of life and a time and a place for everything my heart desires.  So the answer to, "Can I have it ALL?" is YES, but maybe not all at the same time.  I made fantastic choices to be with Devin and have Emily and Claire.  While my mind may send me waves of thoughts prompting me to ask, "what about me and my dreams?" my heart tells me that I can still fulfill those dreams, but in the right season.  I have to have big enough FAITH in myself and God that when the right time comes, when my children are in school, I will remember how I am feeling right now.  During that season, when the kids are in school, I will have the time to shift some of my efforts inside the home, to catch the dreams I have outside my home.  And in the meantime, enjoy the journey, and know that motherhood is enough during these early years of my children's lives.

Our wise prophet (Thomas S. Monson) once said:
Choose your love, love your choice!
My loves right now are Devin, Emily and Claire, and they are my choice!