Book Reports

I am not a reader.  Those who know me best, know this about me.  But, I have managed to read 2 books  this year that have stimulated my mind and turned the mirror around so I could see the beam in my own eye.  Both books are guides to living a more full, happy and loving life starting with the people with which I share my home.  I have been yearning to be better than what I have become over the past 4.5 years of being a wife and 3 years of being a mom.  I have the desire and intention to be better, to be kinder, to be more patient and easy going and to be more engaged in my relationships with my husband and children.  I know the kind of wife and mother I want to be, but I needed/need tools and skills to use to help me on my journey.  That desire led me to read both books, and I know that truth and wisdom are found in them.  I now feel equipped with new knowledge, new perspectives and new ways of accomplishing the end result by using a more loving and peaceful road to get there.  While I have gained helpful and insightful information, I have found it difficult to break old habits.  Making changes in how I initially react to everyday mishaps with the girls or a frustrating moment with Devin takes a great deal of effort and consciousness, and quite frankly is exhausting.  In the heat of the moment....at the height of the tantrum..., I have to choose my words, actions and attitude in a positive way.  When I normally would roll my eyes, let out a big sigh of frustration, bark an order, expect my mind to be read without communicating what I need at the moment, etc, etc....instead, I now have a choice to execute alternative forms of communication and behavior.  I really am thankful for what these books have taught me and plan on referencing them forever.

The first book I read was about strengthening your marriage through clear an effective communication with your spouse.  

I really identified with this book, and the writing style of Dr. Lund.  I loved it so much, that I listened to several lectures my mother in law had downloaded on her ipod.  He addresses the most commonly used forms of terrible communication between spouses, and then offers solutions to improve.  He states the importance of using the "language of equals" within your marriage.  No spouse should feel/be inferior, and no spouse should feel/be dominant, and that should translate into the way you verbally and non-verbally communicate.  He did a great job identifying the varying roles a man/husband/father/provider, as well as a woman/wife/mother/nurturer have and how common it is to bring an authoritative or submissive form of communication into the marriage.  For example, while the wife is at home all day being a mom, she is using authoritative communication, "Stop...", "Please go do....", "Make sure you..." and when the husband comes home from work she lumps him into the group by saying, "Take your shoes off before coming in because I just mopped the floor."  Or, "You need to go play with the kids since you haven't seen them all day."  The language of equals sounds like this, "I just mopped the floor, and it would really mean a lot to me if you would take your shoes off when you get home."  Or, "I know you have had a long day at work, but the kids have been excited for you to get home, and I would appreciate it if you would play with them for a few minutes."  Just by swapping out a few key words, combined with the tone by which you use, the same message can be received so much better by the husband if the wife uses the language of equals.
His examples are hilarious and his solutions and alternatives make perfect sense.  

The 2nd book I just finished is one that has been around for a long time, and is tried and true.  

Reading this book was incredibly humbling and eye opening.  I need not be too critical of myself, because I have so much I need to work on, but instead be thankful that I have the desire to be better and try harder.  I was not raised by the parenting methods this book is all about, and have found that my first response/initial reaction is contrary to what this book suggests.  It has taken much patience and more time and energy to try to implement important changes, but I am hoping that by doing so, my relationship with Emily (Claire is still so little, that it doesn't really apply to her yet) will become stronger and that bond will help me be a more loving mother, and her, a more obedient child.  This book is all about giving as much control as possible to the child, and letting her make her own choices.  I am the one who gets to put the choices on the table for any and every given decision we face throughout the day, and she then gets to decide.  I have to be prepared and ready to execute her decision 100%.  

 What color underwear/plate/cup/hair clip, etc. do you want?

Which book?

What do you want to clean up first, your kitchen stuff or your dress-up stuff?

Do you want to brush your teeth first or put your pajamas on?

Do you want to walk to your bed or do you want me to carry you? 

Do you want to stay here with us, or do you want to continue your whining in your bedroom?

Do you want to eat dinner now with us, or do you want to wait to eat again in the morning at breakfast time?

Once I outline the choices, whatever she chooses will be executed and the natural consequences will follow.  For instance, if she chooses not to put her shoes on before leaving the house, than she will have to either stay in the car, not be able to play on the playground while she watches Claire being pushed on the swing, or she will have to be held.  Instead of me authoritatively telling her to put her shoes on, I simply say, "We are going for a walk that will end at the playground.  You have to have shoes on in order to play, so it is up to you if you want to put them on or not."  The natural consequence of her not putting on her shoes is that she can't play and has to remain in the stroller or on the bench or on my hip.  And instead of me patronizing and belittling her by saying, "I told you that you should have put your shoes on...you should have listened to me." I should offer sympathy and love for the situation HER decision put her in.... "Oh Emily, I really wanted you to be able to play after the walk today.  I'm really sorry that you chose not to put your shoes on, and now you can't play.  Hopefully you can remember that next time we are getting ready to leave the house."  The same reaction of love and compassion should follow every end result of every decision Emily makes.  I need not make her problems, my problems...but let the natural consequences do the teaching while I lovingly counsel and guide her in the right direction.  

The book emphasizes how important it is to get your child thinking for herself and to become a problem solver, hence the push to allow your child to choose as much as possible.  It also illustrates how important it is to allow your child to work their problems out on their own (within reason, depending on their safety and well-being) and for parents not to "rescue" them.  Children only become responsible when they are given opportunities to be responsible.  If I bark orders from sun up to sun down, than all Emily will learn is to eventually resent me and further rebel.  She will feel more confident when she chooses to clean up her toys at the end of the night because it makes mom so happy and she will be able to have a few stories read to her.  Then when I say, "Oh Emily thank you so much for helping me clean up.  Doesn't it feel nice to have our house clean at the end of the day and your toys ready to be played with again tomorrow morning when you wake up?"  Treating her with respect and offering her the opportunities to think for herself, while loving her for the innocent child she is when she messes up and chooses the wrong choice is the bottom line.  

I really could go on and on about this book and all of the "ah ha" and "lightbulb" moments I had while reading it.  I am just so thankful that I now, myself, have a positive choice of reaction and discipline with my children.  Just in the past month of trying to implement aforementioned examples I have seen such a positive response from Emily.  When she feels like she is in control, she is more willing to do what I want her to do in the first place.  When she feels my love and acceptance no matter what, she is less likely to act out negatively.  

Here's to being a better wife and mother!